Sunday, August 08, 2004
Loser...
Loser...
Saturday
Feeling: Extremely extremely extremely depressed...Angry...
haiz...feeling so pissed off...y am i back to my depression state again?! i tried so hard to get out of it...i got out of it...and now im back in that bottomless pit again. i dunno why...but...i jus feel so irritated and so pissed off with everything i see, hear and speak. fuck man. as im typing this entry, those irritating pop ups are driving me crazy...i really feel like smashing my computer. it runs at such a slow speed...and all this pop ups...wad the hell do they want...fuck the idiots who made them. today is really a bad day for me...i brought my bike for maintenance...paid good old $4 for it. and wad the heck? after riding a bit, the 1st gear had some problems shifting. i had to use my leg to give the chain a small kick before it shifts gears. i paid $4 man! im already broke, and i paid $4 for this piece of shit?! i dont blame the shopkeeper. i guess i just suck at maintaining things. on my way back from gwen's place, i saw an uncle riding up a slope. he had lots of baggages. one big box filled with items and both handles with big bags. i rode this slope about 1 hour ago and i was like panting like mad, even at gear 1?! and wad the heck! this uncle was riding his ah pek bicycle and riding as though it doesnt take any effort! he must be at least 50! WAD THE HECK! i lost to an uncle, in terms of fitness?!?!! im so damn disappointed with myself...wad a loser...as i proceeded to meet yinzhi they all, we waited for about half an hour. managed to catch some sleep during that time. but that didnt improve my mood at all. as the four of us walked around orchad area, i felt...so isolated. the 3 of them were like toking abt everything under the sun...but...i felt as though i was going out with strangers...i don't feel that its their fault...i think the problem lies with me. something must be seriously wrong with me! its been so long...everytime i see zhi guan with the others...like mix til so well, i will feel so jealous...these thoughts would run through my mind: why cant i be like him? why does everyone laugh at his jokes and ignore mine? why does everyone feel he has a sense of humour, and that im an idiot? why can he mix so well with everyone, and i cant? why is it when he talks to some of the gals he is nice cute and friendly...but when i tok i scare them away instead?! when he doesnt talk, everyone toks to him...when i dont, they dont even gif a piece of shit? why is life so unfair? when he gives attitude, everyone has some sort of big reaction or something. when i gif attitude, no one gifs a damn! and i dont even know why the bloody hell im comparing myself with him! i feel like a loser...since young, i had no friends...i only knew i had a younger brother at 6 or 7. and i had difficulty accepting that fact too. i had no girl friends. every single girl i like would either be attached, rejects me, or haf ppl they already like...even now this fact remains unchanged. at sec 2, i was appointed class monitor. in less den 3 months, the whole class hated me. i was finally formally sacked by the end of the 1st semester. i tried my best to change my bad points...it seemed to work. i had more frenz. was more well liked...but...why does it seem...that even with those changes in my life, it did not seem to make me any feel happier?! i used to be a really violent and nasty brat. i tamed my anger... i used to be insensitive to other people's feelings... now i learnt to be more thoughtful... i used to speak foul words so often its like standard speech... now i spoke less bad words...had better manners...treated others more politely... i used to be a self-fish person, who wont share anything at all with others... now i share some of my food with others occasionally...and other stuff i share them too... i mean, i had being condemned before...i learnt my lesson...i corrected a majority of my bad points...but...why do i feel like im still being treated like an idiot?!?!?! im so demoralised now...i dont have any self confidence at all...i have no mood to do anything at all. i dont feel like toking to anyone...i dont even feel like seeing anyone...god...wad haf i done to deserve this kind of ill treatment!!! i would rather, my family is poor...i dont have no nothing...no power rangers toys when im young...no handphone...no 5.1 sound blasters...no pantium 4 computers...i would rather have none of these! but have a great childhood...and have some really great buddies...if i had a chance to relive my secondary school life, i would never have done wad i did...! i really feel so sad...when others talk about how fun their childhood is...how they spent their secondary school life...i had none of these! all i had was...bad roumours...being notorious...being cursed...even girls bullied me! i swore nvr to hit gals...but...at that time...i actually kicked one of the gals...and resulted her to haf blue black on her leg. i felt really bad...but she started bullying me first! threw my chinese dictionary to a small step between the 2nd and 1st floor. it was inaccessible...i had to use a broom to push it to the ground floor so i could collect it. i took the broom, but that girl grabbed it too...so that i cant push the book down. the chinese exams were starting...so i jus kicked my way and grabbed the broom from her to collect my damn book. that was 1 of the worse days of my life...i had to live wif my own guilt and every morning, i would find my table vandalised with chalk dust...my chair dirtied by chalk dust too. it was apparently the work of that girl...she's a chao ah lian. and guess wad? we were good frens in primary sch...why did she do that to me in sec 1? i really dont know why...i guess i was really an a$$ hole back then...i really dont know what to do...i feel so...helpless...im also very envious of desmond...so handsome...and so well liked by everyone...whoever i see, i feel that they are way better off den me...maybe im blinded by hatred, anger and jealousy to see my own good points...that is, if i haf any. haiz...i dont feel like typing anymore...good night...
p.s. ZG or desmond or whoever who have seen the above entry...pretend u nvr seen it. i dont want to be treated like a wierd person...that will be the last thing i'll need to demoralise me more...and please dont condemn me...i really dont wanna go through all that again...haizz...
potato
12:19 AM
