Saturday, February 03, 2007
Low Confidence?
The stupid phone didnt ring at all the whole night. Made me wonder what the hell did I wear my No. 3 to Bugis for... And that ridiculous looking "Ninja Gear" I wore. Is what I am doing too extreme? I always believed that 'Prevention is better than cure' - What if I removed my Ninja Gear and was questioned for what I was doing there at that time of the day? What if my officer saw me while walking around that area? I seem to lead a dark life all the time... Hiding from my bosses and escaping from the arrows shot at me ever-so-often... Sort of feel like an illegal immigrant or something. Its tiring... I wanna leave this place quickly... I wanna lead a normal life like when I was back in poly...
Is it that my skill in bullshitting and talking cork and entertaining people has dropped? I can't seem to say funny things anymore... Especially at times when I really needed to... Its not my personality at all to be hyper and crazy in the 1st place... Afterall, I'm just a quiet person who doesnt like to speak much at all... But there are times I cannot be like this... And am forced to be noisy... And end up failing miserably... Which in turn made me upset like I am now. I feel so lost...
Went to AMK to join John they all for steamboat... Was feeling totally like shit (With flies flying ard) when I met them... John tried to cheer me up by crapping loads of funny stuff... Thanks a lot! Really appreciated it... Felt slightly better after meeting up with you guys...
Something seems to be wrong with my MSN Live... I can't log in... Tried to connect til I pek chek... Then went to bed cos I'm really damn tired.
Cut my hair yesterday also... Looks ok-ok lah. But I still feel my 'Mo-Hawk' style still looks best on me... But like John said, I look too childish in that hairstyle... And personally I feel that it looks too ah beng, too cool and too fierce to fit my personality...
Lately been thinking of lots of things... Totally no motivation to run... So I've been controlling my diet instead... Less oil... Less starchy stuff... More proteins... More calcium... Basically, a full meat-vege diet, ZERO rice or noodles and stuff. I heard that baked potatoes are good for health... They contain lots of good vitamins and minerals... So I've been eating them... Though they're starchy like hell...
CL has been asking me to go back to XL these days... Its my honour to be invited so many times lah and it's probably dumb of me to turn her invitations down... But still, I did so... As for the exact reasons why, its probably because, 1st - I totally dont understand the music... 2nd - The last time I went there, the scores for bass was like... So boring... And sometimes got no beansprout scores, I was forced to read numbers... Which I totally suck at and have zero interest in learning... 3rd - Though most of my close SPCO friends were there, it didnt quite feel the same when I was there... I felt like a stranger... Even after going for a few months... Still feel like I got nothing to say to the people there... They are very nice and friendly people... But just can't seem to be able to feel free to speak and interact normally with them lah. (But I enjoyed playing with the 2 kids near me... The cello one and the dizi one... Always poke them with my bow and they'll poke me back with their bow or dizi. Lol.) Also dont know why... Even close friends feel like strangers... Like totally nothing to say and unable to get into their topic... Ended up rotting in one corner, keeping quiet, playing piano by myself... Was like... Such a waste of time... And such a moodspoiler... Anyway... Why the hell did I write out all this for? Why am I explaining myself? I feel stupid... But... Whatever...
I think I'm probably the most pessimistic person on earth... Though I always try to bluff myself by saying optimistic things... I'm someone who focus alot on what I believe in and tell myself. I always make things happen that way. Sometimes I could perform tasks I normally can't - Just because I told myself I could do it. But somehow, no matter how I tell myself 'You're a funny guy' 'You're full of confidence' 'You're cute' 'Your friends love being around you' that kinda stuff, they dont seem to work. I probably live a life full of self-deception... Perhaps the only reason why someone as pessimistic as me is still alive.
Vellos bought an X-Box 360... Maybe I should do the same... Then camp at home all day long make new friends through the X-Box online gaming community like John did or something... But then again, I'll better not. I wanna apply for university... This is my last chance to get a good cert to make up for that failure I was back in poly... Buying an X-Box would probably get me addicted to games again and ignore my studies.
I need a hobby... Something to focus all my attention on... So far I've been like a 'Jack of all trades, master in none'... I shall find something enjoyable when I start clearing leave. Maybe canoeing? Riding bicycles sounds nice too... Hmmm... Or cars! I love cars... Hmmm... Shall leave all these thoughts till clear leave~!
potato
6:28 AM
